Sin and freedom

There are days when I despise myself.  There are days when my thoughts are so black I can feel dark nasty goo seeping from my ears.  There are days when I don't feel fit to live and I wonder why God doesn't just strike me with lightning or smash me under a 20 ton pile of rocks. 

I hate sin.   More and more, with every passing day I am realizing how much it holds me captive.  I can feel the chains jiggle with my every step.  It seems sometimes that every word I speak is governed by it and every thought that enters my head is concieved by it.  It presses in.  It takes over my bones and it moves me to do things I regret with all of my heart.   I am weak.  I am so inconcievably weak.  My heart lays itself at sin's feet and does it's bidding.  I am tossed around by the whips the guards bear.  I am beaten and tied. 

I lay in sin's grimy prison cell, curled around my heart.  Tears of pain and shame stream down my face.  I am a weak, weepy pile of skin and bones that can do nothing.  Then there is a whisper.  A soft quiet whisper saying "You, are a child of the king."  Other prisoners, in other cells hear this voice too.  Not all, but many.  They rise and raise their hands.  The guards cannot control them.  For this is an uprising. We sing and shout.  We sing for we know something the guards do not.  The king, He is coming. 

They can beat me.  They may succeed in getting me to betray my Lord.  They may have my actions,  But they do not have my soul.  They only have the weak, embryo version of me.  My shadow.  My reflection wavering in the murky depths.  Someday, someday I will be free of this body that can be held.  Someday my body will collapse and my soul will fly from their prison.  And on that glorious day, My King will stretch out his hand and swing me onto his pure white stalion.  He will take me to his white palace , and I will serve Him.  I will not be held by sin and shame.  I wil not wrong my brothers and sisters.  I will bathe his feet, I will kneel at his side.  The dirt and grime of this world will be obliterated.  I will be the full person God has created me to be.  I will be crazy in Love with my savior. The Longing will end.  The joy will begin.